Book Review: Do Hard Things
Do Hard Things: Why We Get Resilience Wrong and the Surprising Science of Real Toughness by Steve Magness
I picked this book up after hearing about it on a couple of podcasts that I listen to. I am always curious on what we view as “tough” or “toughness”. I felt it would help me on a personal level, as well as a father. I do my best to take note of my template provided by my parents and to be conscientious to to replicate the pieces I find valuable and add in things that I think would be more helpful. I would say I was raised with a traditional view on toughness and have had to work to shift my understanding of the concept.
Book Notes
The book goes over what we view as traditional “toughness” from the perspectives of a coach and parent. Demanding, cold, non-nurturing, controlling, one-way communication and harsh punishment are all examples. These are poor motivators in the long run.
Some traditional (fake) toughness examples in real life would include:
Guy picking fights in the gym.
Bullies at school.
Anon poster on message boards criticizing the author and not the author’s points.
Coaches who push athletes to the point of physical exhaustion.
Parents demanding their kids to do things that interest the parents and not the kid.
Not being allowed to have “negative” emotions, particularly crying.
We sometimes believe you can test for toughness by putting someone through extremely high demands to see if they “survive”. This is similar to the idea of throwing someone in the deep end of the pool and seeing if they can swim.
People seem to perform and learn from their experiences better, if they are prepared to face challenges. For example, having to learn theory and practicality within a classroom setting and then being brought into the field.
Toughness is not a sorting exercise, where only the “strongest” or most diligent survive.
We need to teach the skills to handle adversity. We can’t just throw someone into the deep end and only call them “tough” if they learn how to swim on the spot.
Perhaps a more accurate definition of toughness would be, the ability to experience discomfort or distress, leaning in, paying attention, and creating space to take thoughtful action. It’s navigating discomfort to make the best decisions you can.
The author, Steve Magness, goes over 4 different pillars of toughness.
1st pillar of toughness – Ditch the Façade, Embrace Reality.
We have to embrace where we are and what we are really capable of.
It’s easy to be “tough” when you can handle it, but your true “toughness” is when you can’t handle it.
Too high of stress will get you to remove your mask and the real you will come out.
There is a difference between what you think you are capable of vs what you are actually capable of.
This is true especially under extreme stress.
You can schedule something hard to help set yourself up for success
How do nudge yourself toward toughness:
Set appropriate goals
They need to be challenging but realistic
Set authentic goals
There are YOUR GOALS. Not goals that other find meaningful.
Define judgements and expectations
Shift your focus on things you can control.
Better to focus on process goals.
Judge by your effort and consistency not outcome.
Prime your mind
Avoid unnecessary stress.
Think positive but realistic.
Toughness begins well before you hit the field or boardroom.
True confidence is quiet. Insecurity is loud.
Seeking self esteem shouldn’t be the goal. It’s an outcome of your behavior.
We change our inner narrative as we overcome adversity and can appreciate it.
Seeking external validation takes away from the joy of doing the work.
Delusion and fake confidence go hand in hand.
How to create Inner Confidence
Lower the bar. Raise the floor.
Sometimes you aren’t raising the ceiling but raising the floor.
Shed perfection. Embrace who you are.
Getting a little better is more sustainable than perfection.
Trust your training. Trust yourself.
If you put in the work, you should be able to trust yourself.
Develop a quiet ego.
Celebrate wins, but don’t be overly boastful.
It’s ok to “give-up” on something or shift your focus is something isn’t working
When it feels like things are spinning out of control or things feel insurmountable, it’s easy to feel hopelessness or think “what’s the point?’
Don’t try to make large heroic changes. Focus on small things you can control to get momentum.
Getting momentum and making progress will give you more capacity to work through some challenges.
In order to train toughness you will need to challenge yourself without failing.
But it cannot be more than you can handle.
Give yourself a choice
Allow for misses and imperfections.
It’s ok to miss a workout, a deadline or even entertain quitting.
2nd pillar of toughness
Emotions are messengers, not dictators.
Feelings are the first response to something.
They aren’t to be ignored.
They tell us something about ourselves.
Difficult decisions come with lots of emotions.
Understanding their role as messengers and pushers allows you to find clarity instead of being overwhelmed.
Name or identify your feelings.
Name it to tame it.
Magness also speaks about “the voice inside your head”.
This to me seems like a personal narrative idea. We all have our own narrative and when things are hard, the narrative can be disruptive to our progress.
How to win the inner debate – these are valuable to me
Change your voice – from inside to outside
Pay attention and process through the inner dialogue.
Have realistic self-talk.
An example of this would be having self talk that acknowledges the current situation, your capabilities and the stakes at hand.
Know what voice to listen to
Overly positive self talk only works if you have high self esteem and may set you up for disappointment.
Try and have REALISTIC self-talk.
Decrease the bond – from me to she/he
You do better if you step outside yourself and the current situation
Think “what would future me wish I would have done?”
Or “what would someone I admire do?”
He mentioned the kids that asked “what would Batman do?”. When the kids were prompted by someone asking them this, they performed better.
3rd Pillar of Toughness
Grinding through tough times, endlessly, doesn’t work. At some point you burn out or end up on a path that isn’t for you.
You should match your response levels to reality.
This doesn’t mean you ignore your emotions, but you respond according to the situation.
Open up to discomfort and remind yourself of your place and capabilities
This is akin to having a “calm conversation” with yourself
How to get better at calm conversations
Spend time alone with yourself
Develop the ability to respond and not react
This is not denying the emotion.
This includes a reframe of the situation.
Allow failure and imperfection.
Need to break away from rumination and dwelling on circumstances
He introduces the concept of “Mood follows action”
If you can change your behaviour, this has the potential to greatly change your mood.
Go for a walk to feel calmer, not wait until you are calm then go for a walk.
Waiting for your mood to be better before making a change will take too long.
How to turn down the dial for the situation. These are prompts you can use when things are difficult.
Zoom out.
How important is this really?
How material is this to you outside this instance?
Cognitive zoom.
Thinking unconventionally allows for more creativity
Physical zoom
This is the mood follows behavior
This likely will apply to your mindset as well.
Zoom out in time
What will you think in the future?
What would future you have wanted you to do today?
Linguistic zoom
Think of a different person and how they would respond
Maybe someone you admire or maybe someone you are trying to not be like.
Environmental zoom
Changing the environment may change your response.
Characteristics of top performers in real life:
Flexible and adaptive.
Pays attention to their inner world/dialogue without freaking out.
Pivot/adapt to new information.
Reframe as needed.
Allow setbacks to happen without derailing themselves.
Respond and not (over) react.
4th pillar of toughness
Wanting to build habits and capacity to do uncomfortable things
Magness mentions that society thinks people are lazy and that is incorrect.
Though I don’t necessarily disagree, I do think people are ambivalent about many things.
He mentions that salary and job satisfaction are not correlated.
Tough people don’t live in black/white and pass/fail mentalities.
It helps to understand the nuance of things and not be polarized.
Over the long term, the “tough” coaches had poor results.
As a parent, I imagine this could be seen as a fine line within parenting as well - Tough/hard parenting vs. Gentle parenting
Being supportive and collaborative is best
Real connection is crucial for building capacity to do hard things.
Magness states the underperforming teams don’t connect outside the field/court.
Even when they are forced to connect, such as at a team dinner, , they miss the point and are unable to emulate teams that are connected.
Other
The author mentioned his undiagnosed OCD as a child. I think it took courage to share this and it’s important to understand what others may have been struggling with.
Closing Thoughts
As a closing activity, I decided I would try and find some examples of real toughness in day to day life:
A boss opening up about a mistake they made recently and how it made them feel.
A teacher taking the time to support a student who isn’t performing well in class, but genuinely wants to improve.
A partner validating how their actions made the other person feel and being accountable to their pieces.
A parent holding space for their child after a setback. No lessons, no “you should”, just being present in the feelings.
A coach challenging their athlete with realistic expectations and celebrating the hard earned successes.
Taking feedback on a performance review with an open mind and changing behavior if you desire a better score.
Overall, I found the book valuable. I would recommend it to anyone who is looking for a more nuanced way of understanding toughness.
What do you think of this topic? What are your personal experiences with toughness? Let me know in the comments.
Thanks for reading.
Dean